Rejoice!

I've been absolutely starved during the past few days to sit in my sacred place where I slow down to study God's Word. (That, by the way, can be anywhere, but is usually at my kitchen table).
Because we are at the Easter time of the year, I chose to study the events which surround the resurrection.
My first church service to attend after Jae's funeral was our Easter Sunday Morning service. In retrospect, I should not have gone.
The worship music and sermon was all about death, victory over death, life after death,...etc. Those are all fine things to focus on unless you have just buried your very heart and soul.
I wasn't feeling very victorious over the grave.
I would have classified myself as utterly defeated.
Our Easter pictures are just plain bad ugly.
Teary eyes, pasted smiles and mementos of Jae on our lapels.

In spite of that one in 2004, I think Easter is my favorite holiday. I have found that it is not the emotional mine-field of other holidays.
Our family gatherings and crazy photo shoots will always miss her, just like they miss our other family members who are gone.
Jae's Easter basket still gets filled and left on the kitchen table but now Ralph and I eat the candy without feeling guilty.
We both will cry.
I will sit in the Easter Sunday service and sing the worship songs about death and graves and life.
Unlike I used to do, I will now pay more attention to the words as I sing each song.
And I will cry.
I will listen to the sermon for sounds of my hope.
When I hear them, I will cry.

In Matthew 28:8-10, the story is told of the women seeing the angel in the empty tomb and then given the directions to "go tell the disciples about Jesus being risen from the grave". Then, as they left with the unusual mixture of fear and joy, they run smack-dab into Jesus Himself. (Isn't that just like God to make a great thing better?)

What was His first word to them as they wrapped themselves around His feet?
"REJOICE!!"
I can just imagine Him smiling and laughing as He peels them off of His feet.
"Hurry!! Go and tell my brothers that I will meet them in Galilee!"

I notice first of all that He appeared first to the women. (Go girls!)
Then I see His words are filled with comfort and plans for those that loved him most. His disciples. Now remember,...most of them had not conducted themselves nobly and faithfully in those past few days.
But Jesus knew that His disciples were scattered, grief-stricken, broken and confused men. He was eager, and can I say desperate, to get to them?

He feels that way about me too.
And you.
He sees us looking at the graves of our loved ones and wants us to remember that there is a resurrection morning ahead of us.

"Rejoice!" is not the word that always comes to my mind when I'm at Jae's graveside, but I can take comfort from the message that He has given me through His word:
Precious in the eyes of the Lord is the death of His saints.
In the message translation, it's written like this:
"When they arrive at the gates of death, God welcomes those who love Him"

My journey through Grief has given me a desire for Heaven that I never had before.
At first, It was for selfish reasons. I wanted to see Jae.

Now, however, I look forward to wrapping myself around Jesus feet to thank Him for such an incredible plan to save our lives.

Life begins when we die.
Only God could have planned such an ending.
Only God could have planned such a beginning!
(rejoice)
(rejoice)
(rejoice)
etc....

Bereaved Parents, North of the River

Went to the North of the River chapter of Bereaved Parents last night.

I think my participation with the "Bereaved Parents" group is unusual. I should say that the timing of my participation is unusual. You see, although I had been referred to them often, I never went to a single meeting until probably 2 years after losing Jae.

A lot of reasons,.....the biggest being that the only available chapter was way over in Little Rock, a 45 minute drive from my home.
Another reason? I felt as if I had the intense emotional support of friends and family. I just did not need to go.
Another reason? I think I was afraid of showing how broken I was. I tried to reserve my hysteria for Ralph and my brothers and parents. Didn't really like showing it to them either. I mostly cried outside in the yard, in the privacy of her bedroom or at her grave.
Once I began "the crying", I'm tellin ya,...it was loud and ugly.

Now, almost 5 years later, I still do not NEED to go meet with the "Bereaved Parents" support group. I COULD get along without them. However,.... the meetings that Ralph and I attend never fail to encourage me. The people I meet in that room are some of the most strong, wonderful friends I have. I expect that our friendship could be lifelong, although the reality is that, years will pass, we will "move on" in our grief and other newer, fresher bereaved parents will take our place.

We have a new chapter of Bereaved Parents of the USA. Jim and Cindy Stricklin are the leaders and do it to honor their precious 15 year old son, Ben. We meet the 1st Tuesday of every month at the Baptist hospital at Springhill (North Little Rock). Meeting times are 6:30 to 8:30. Lakeside room on 3rd floor.

The parents who find the courage to come mere weeks after their loss amaze me.
I could not have done it.
But then again,...I wish I had.